


Ask Oikawa: relationship advice from the Grand King

by mousecat, notallballs (notallbees)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Agony Aunt AU, Epistolary, F/F, Letters, M/M, Multi, Relationship Advice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-09 00:03:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11092698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mousecat/pseuds/mousecat, https://archiveofourown.org/users/notallbees/pseuds/notallballs
Summary: Dear Grand King,I have a problem with my superior at work. He doesn't listen to my ideas and even sometimes sabotages my work. I got in trouble for threatening him but he started it. My job is my life and I don't want to lose it. I'm the best at what I do. Can I get him to like me or should I find a way to get him fired?-Frustrated CreativeWhen they have trouble with their friends and family, some familiar faces turn to the Grand King of relationships for advice.





	Ask Oikawa: relationship advice from the Grand King

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pyrophane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pyrophane/gifts).



> [Fill for Team Bokuroo on SASO](http://sportsanime.dreamwidth.org/21522.html?thread=9939730#cmt9939730)
> 
>  
> 
> This was originally created as a series of images which you can check out here: [1](https://www.dropbox.com/s/o5ro0ke22iur10b/AskOikawa1.png?dl=0) [2](https://www.dropbox.com/s/2hzymgusspyrq4s/AskOikawa2.png?dl=0) [3](https://www.dropbox.com/s/msyvvivb2kpsdx7/AskOikawa3.png?dl=0)

Dear Grand King,

I have a problem with my superior at work. He doesn't listen to my ideas and even sometimes sabotages my work. I got in trouble for threatening him but he started it. My job is my life and I don't want to lose it. I'm the best at what I do. Can I get him to like me or should I find a way to get him fired?

-Frustrated Creative

 

Dear Frustrated,

I understand the frustration of being the best in your field and getting friction from colleagues because of it. Office politics can make it difficult to get someone fired - believe me, I’ve tried. Your best course in this situation is to give your superior a taste of his own medicine, but keep your hands clean! Take a few weeks to ingratiate yourself with him so he won’t suspect you, tailor your work to his specifications even when he’s wrong, praise him to other coworkers, buy him coffee one morning. When you’ve built up some trust, you can start to make his life hell in any small way that comes to you. A good start might be putting clear tape over the sensor on his mouse or sending an ugly photo of him to the whole office from his own email. Have fun with it! And remember, he probably won’t be your superior forever.

Grand King (☆・∀・)φ….

 

Dear Grand King

Thanks for the advice. I did what you said and did everything my superior asked me to for two weeks, but then I got bored of listening to his dumb suggestions and we had a fight in front of our boss so I've been moved to another project for a month. The one good thing is that I'm in another part of the office so he won't suspect me if I play pranks on him now. Yesterday I taped his mouse and all the spare ones the IT department have and he threw a tantrum and I recorded it on my phone. The only problem is we have a company retreat in two weeks and I have to go so I'll have to see a lot of him. What should I do?

-Frustrated Creative, Still Frustrated

 

Dear Frustrated,

I have to congratulate you on your initiative with my suggestion; you’re a natural at this! I'm even concerned my suggestions may have been _too_ good—someone in my own office seems to be following your example. But to return to your problem, the company retreat will actually be a great opportunity for you to show up your superior. Requesting to room with him would give you the greatest access to him, but given the state of your relationship that won’t be possible. If you have any friends in the office (how likely is this with your personality?), you should ask them to volunteer to bunk with him instead. The first day of the retreat, your friend should steal all his shirts, and your superior will be forced to borrow one, probably from your friend. This will be really humiliating for your superior, especially if your friend is much smaller. Nothing damages the ego of a well-respected man like ill-fitting clothes. Please write again, as I’d like to know how it goes.

Grand King (☆・∀・)φ….

 

Dear Grand King

The retreat started out pretty good but then things got weird. Me and my colleague pulled some pranks on my supervisor at the start of the weekend and he kept glaring at me but he couldn't prove I was behind it. We got stuck together for team building exercises which was pretty bad, we got lost in the forest and argued so we split up and that was even worse. We eventually found each other again but we were stuck outside for the whole night and we had to huddle for warmth. We talked about everything and I still don't like him but I think maybe pranking him was stupid. We'll be back on the same project in a week and I want to find a way to work with him. What should I do? 

-Confused Creative

 

Dear Confused

It’s certainly refreshing to hear you admit your actions were stupid! Maybe a single conversation isn’t enough to resolve everything, especially one had in such extreme circumstances. I think it’s time for you to stop cowering behind anonymous letters and just talk to him directly, like the mature professional you claim to be. Just a thought. And for what it’s worth, I’m confident he still doesn’t like you either.  

Grand King (☆・∀・)φ….

 

>>To: oikawa.tooru@kitagawadaiichipub.com

>>Subject: Apology

 

Oikawa-sensei,

We should talk. I'll buy you a drink after work.

-Kageyama

 

 

>>To: kageyama.tobio@kitagawadaiichipub.com

>>Subject: RE: Apology

 

 Tobio-chan,

Fine, but it had better be an expensive drink. I still haven't forgiven you completely.

-Oikawa

 

 

\--

 

 

Dear Grand King

I need advice about a friend of mine. We've known each other since high school and we have what you might generously call a *tempestuous* relationship. We recently started sleeping together, but it only happens when we're drunk and we haven't talked about it. I like him and I think I want more but every time I bring it up he changes the subject or punches me (he's small but *strong*). How can I get him to talk to me? And how do I tell him I have feelings for him without losing a limb?

-Tall, dark, and scruffy

 

Dear Scruffy

I was once in a very similar situation, except our relationship was never consummated and I was the one being pursued, naturally. I’m assuming you’ve tried talking to your friend when you’re sober, which is the wrong move! You seem to need alcohol to get things done, so invite your friend over, get a little tipsy, and have that heart to heart. Whether or not he shares your feelings, you can’t keep hooking up if it’s going to hurt you. I can’t guarantee you won’t lose a limb, but the closure will be worth it.

Grand King (☆・∀・)φ….

 

 

\--

 

 

"Your Highness"

My bff/housemate is the biggest slob I've ever met. I've threatened to throw his stuff away if he won't pick it up but it hasn't made a difference. He also works way too much, and I'm fed up of listening to him bitch about his colleagues. Can you tell him from me to get a boyfriend and chillax once in awhile. Don't make me call his mom.

-Long Suffering Friend

 

Dear Long Suffering 'Friend',

As a friend you should respect his personal property. Try to see things from your best friend’s point of view - if he works all the time, he may not have the energy to clean to your neat-freak standards. Try being more supportive and discontinue using the word ‘chillax.’ What year is this? Anyway, this level of passive aggression is very high school. You should talk to him yourself, and leave his mom out of this. 

Grand King (☆ >_<)φ….

 

 

\--

 

 

Hello, Grand King!

Longtime reader, first time letter writer. In your opinion, what's the best etiquette for asking your best friends if they want to have a threesome? They've been together for a while and I don't want anything romantic with them, but they've been quite responsive to my flirting recently, and I wouldn't push either of them out of bed. However, I have historically terrible taste in sexual partners and worry I'm making a bad decision by asking them. Thoughts?

-Horny in Miyagi

 

Dear Horny,

Please give me a moment to process that greeting….okay. What a thrilling dilemma to have! The answer here lies in what kind of partners you normally have. If you frequently sleep with friends and it hasn’t worked out in the past, common sense is that you ought to steer clear. If this will be a new experience for you, then maybe it’s the kind of fresh decision you need to make. Next time you find them flirting with you, ask them if it’s a bit of fun or if they want to take it further. Everyone needs to make their intentions clear (especially if you aren’t looking to go from platonic to romantic), and then...well I imagine the three of you can take it from there. Good luck, and please do let me know if it works out!

Grand King (☆ ~∀・)φ….

 

Hello again, Grand King

Thank you for your wonderful advice. I talked things over with my friends, and it all went better than I could have hoped

Readers, I ~~banged~~ them

-Horny in Miyagi

 

Dear Horny 

I think it's safe to say we're all delighted that you and your friends made the beast with three backs. Please keep in mind that if you send me any salacious details, I'll have to keep them to myself. Our magazine isn't that kind of publication!

Grand King (☆・∀・)φ….

 

 

\--

 

 

Dear Grand King

I hope you can help me! I've been close with my best friend since we were kids and he saved me from bullies, and his good opinion really means a lot to me. He's the first person I came out to and he's been really supportive. The only trouble is that lately his older brother has been flirting with me, and the other day said outright that he'd like to date me. I've had a crush on him since I can remember, and I really want to make a move but I'm afraid of upsetting my friend; he acts like he doesn't care but he can be possessive, and he and his brother have only recently started getting on well after a long difficult period. I don't want to come between them, or cause my friend to hate me. What should I do?

-Indecisive twink

 

Dear Indecisive

You don't need anyone's permission to date someone, but if you're concerned about your friend's blessing, then you should talk to him - tell him how you've felt about his brother but that you don't want to hurt him. He may need time to understand, but if you could trust him with coming out, you can trust him with this. It will take plenty of clear communication among all three of you, especially at the start, but new romance is always worth exploring. And who knows, if you play your cards right, you may end up coming between them after all.

Grand King (☆・∀・)φ….

 

 

\--

 

 

Dear Grand King,

You're my last hope! There's a girl in my class who's the most beautiful, stylish, wonderful person I've ever met. I think I might be in love with her!! We had to work together on a group project and I was scared the whole time that her fans would hunt me down just for sitting near her. I finally decided to tell her how much I admire her, but I panicked and sent her a note that just said 'GET OUT OF MY SCHOOL' and now I'm too embarrassed to go to class and I'm going to fail and drop out and have to live in a dumpster. How do I fix this!?

Small and Nervous

 

Dear Nervous

That is certainly the most interesting way of confessing I've ever heard, but the situation is salvageable. You simply need to put on your cutest outfit, return to class, and send her another note that says “...AND INTO MY BED.” If you don't think she'd respond well to such a forward suggestion, a simple “...AND MEET ME AT THE CORNER COFFEE SHOP AT 4!” will do. With any luck, she'll be endeared to your quirky nature. Whatever the outcome, you can't possibly make it any worse than you already have. Best of luck!!

Grand King (☆・∀・)φ….

 

 

\--

 

 

Dear Grand King,

I have this weird rivalry with an older guy on my sports team. He's one of the top ranked players in the country and I've looked up to him for a long time and want to be just like him!! I'm the youngest player on our team and sometimes my teammates don't take me seriously! But I really mean it when I say I want to beat him. He's always pushing me on and encouraging me and I don't know anymore if I want to BE him or if I want to DESTROY him. I think about him a lot and it's starting to have a bad impact on my game. What should I do!? 

-Future Ace

 

Dear Future Ace,

I get the sense you do want to destroy him, in a way. If you can relieve the tension from your rivalry, you can focus on improving your game and eventually dominating him. Tell him you'd like some one on one training sessions with him. It sounds like he would be receptive to your request of some private, after hours lessons. I hope it works out!

Grand King (☆・∀・)φ….

 

 

\--

 

 

Dear Grand King,

Do you have any tips on how to seduce your boss? I really need a raise. Also his ~~cock~~ is huge. 

Office Meme

 

Dear Office Meme,

 I had hoped my lack of response to your first hundred odd letters would have been answer enough, but clearly not. I should’ve spoken to your supervisor when you sent the phone-in-toilet/rice dilemma letter from your work email, but I thought you’d be concerned enough about your mistake to stop. You may not be in my department, but one more letter, and I’m bringing this to him. I’m sure he’d love to hear your thoughts on his ~~cock~~. 

Grand King (╬ °益°)φ….

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr](https://notallballs.tumblr.com/) | [twitter](https://twitter.com/notallbees)
> 
>  
> 
> Please check out the [full version with images](https://notallballs.tumblr.com/post/161433113317/a-bonus-round-1-fill-by-myself-and-mousecat) :D!


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